Why You are AWFUL at Seeing Movies

When you go to the movies, there is an atmosphere that is expected to be present. All focus should be put into what is on the screen, not what is happening around you, and people STINK at this. Going to see a movie should be fun and exciting, but it also comes with responsibility. I am no movie going expert; I just know what I do and do not like to see and hear when I go and see a flick, so here is Travis’ guide to Movie Theater Etiquette.

1- Timeliness

Almost everyone who is an avid movie goer has a plan. Get to the movies forty-five minutes early, get food and beverages, find your theater, and pick the best seat in the house before anyone even gets there. That’s my plan anyway. That’s why it bugs me when things like this happen. You’re in your seat ready to enjoy the movie. The lights go dim, and just as the first trailer screen pops up, a family wanders in squinting at the audience looking for empty seats and start walking up and down the aisle at least seven times and finally end up reluctantly sitting next to the side aisles by the wall. Don’t show up to the most anticipated movie of the year ten minutes late and expect to find a seat for everyone in your party of eleven to be able to sit together. It’s not going to happen, and it makes you look dumb!

2- Be Considerate

You wouldn’t think I would need to say this one, right? Well apparently I must because there are still plenty of people out there who can’t do this one simple thing. Just be quiet! It’s not that difficult. Mind your surroundings. If your with a group of friends, don’t spend the entirety of the film talking and goofing with them in the back of the theater. Does a certain scene remind you of the time you went bowling with your friends a few years back, and that for some reason gives you the uncontrollable feeling to tell the story to the person sitting next to you? Well here’s a good idea. DON’T! You’re not being fun or witty, you’re just being rude to everyone in the theater.

If you have food and drinks, that’s perfectly fine, just try your hardest not to make too much noise with it. Just as you’re finishing that last delicious sip of your blue raspberry icee, at least make an attempt not to make that broken garbage disposal being thrown into a lake noise with your straw. Just take the lid off and chug it down. Also, don’t crumple up your bags of chips or sweets, and you should be fine in my book. Think of yourself as a movie theater ninja.  No one knows you’re there, and you don’t want them to.

3- Get Off Your Cell Phone

The message they play in almost every movie isn’t a suggestion. Shut your phone up or even better shut it off. There’s nothing like being deep in the plot of a story and then suddenly getting ripped out of it by someone’s obnoxious ringtone. And don’t be on your phone during the movie. You spent about ten to twelve dollars on these tickets, and you’re not even going to pay attention to the movie? Shame on you and your wallet! There are only two reasons you should have your cell phone out at all. Either you are sitting in a place where you are absolutely positive no one will be able to see or hear it, like in the very back of the room, or if you have it out for emergency reasons. There was a story a while back ago where someone ended up shooting and killing a man for being on his phone during a movie, and as it turns out, the man was talking with his child’s baby sitter because she had an emergency and had to leave.

There are some instances where having a phone is out is necessary, but you should really be careful if that is the case. If you do need your phone for whatever reason, try and hide it as much as possible. My favorite method is the “TUCK & DUCK”. You put your phone right up to your belly button, and curl up into a ball so no one can see it. You may hurt your neck, but it is a very effective way to make sure you do not get shot. Make sure your volume and screen brightness are almost all the way off. It may not seem bright to you, but it could be blinding to the patron behind you. It all basically goes back to my last tip, being a movie theater ninja.

4- Know When NOT To Bring Children

So you stepped out your front door today with your kids and thought it would be nice to go see “Fast and Furious”. I’m sure your one and a half year old son and your five year old little girl would love to see explosions and missiles and sit in a dark, loud room for three hours while they have’t sat still for five minutes the whole week. What a great idea! As you could tell, that was sarcasm, and you’re not a genius. You’re an idiot. “But Travis, I’m taking them to go see ‘Finding Dory’. It was made for kids!” While you’re not wrong, you’re still an idiot. These movies may be made for little children, but screen writers nowadays know that not only are kids going to be watching these movies, but also adults and parents a like, so they write in more mature jokes and humor to keep the attention of the adults as well. Lots of movies that some would say are just for children are actually meant to be watched by a large age group.

Look at some of animations top box office hits like “Zootopia” or “Inside out”. These movies were meant for many different age groups and genders to watch and have many deep plot points that many kids just aren’t going to understand. So know that when you bring a kid to the movie and they become agitated and start crying half way through (SPOILER ALERT) the scene when Bing Bong disappears, you are not only inconveniencing yourself but also everyone else in the theater. “So when should I be allowed to take my kids to the movies, Travis?” Well I am no parent, and I definitely don’t have a whole lot of experience with children, but if I had to guess, I would say if they can’t sit through a five minute YouTube video without being disruptive, they most certainly won’t make it through a whole movie.

     These are just some of the things that I dislike seeing when I go to see movies. Am I an expert? Definitely not, but I know for a fact that there are two types of people reading this. The people who are nodding their head in agreement and the people who are cursing at their computer yelling “I can watch a movie however I want to”. To those people, stick to DVD releases because you suck at seeing movies.

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